quarta-feira, 28 de março de 2018

Friendships

So when it comes to me, i have an hard time keeping connections with anybody. I feel like it is a temporary thing, or even a "it's-just-a-phase" thing. I don't really know why this happens, but maybe it's because of my past, where my mother didn't really care much about me and just used me as an emotional tampon, or i just felt more attracted to video games / electronic things / cartoons/ animes than human beings. 
To me, human beings are pretty much predictable, but at the same time, unpredictable. I have a false impression that i can predict how they are going to behave or what they are going to say even knowing that i can't predict them, any single one of them. As somebody said, "Humans fear what they do not understand" (not every time, but still.), and being one of them, this is a fallacy that drives me crazy since i do not share almost any interest with anybody else, and thus most of my days are a little bit troubling.

I'm gonna quote MisChef on reddit:
I feel like i have no reason to maintain a relationship with casual friends. I don't like to be idle. I don't enjoy spending time doing anything when there's no goal to the endeavor. Going for a walk even seems dumb, unless I have a destination and a reason to walk there, so I can do the thing and walk home.
Checking in with friends is a chore, and it always feels one-sided. I think maybe it's got to do with that "ask for favors" concept, attributed to Ben Franklin: you ask someone you want to like you to do you a favor and that makes them like you, because if they didn't like you they wouldn't do the favor.

Those are my exact feelings. Does anybody else feels this way? If so how do you cope with it?

With this i over and out.
~DarkRay

quarta-feira, 11 de outubro de 2017

Today was a nice day.
It started really slow, with me waking up tired to begin with, and the usual bus->university trip (about 45min). The amount of traffic in A5 (our highway in lisbon which leads directly to the center of the city, Marquês de Pombal) is quite the conundrum, but it allows me to go slow enough to play Pokemon GO and score some kilometers. It also allows for the music of Metallica or Jimi Hendrix to go through my mind and wake me up a little bit (when it does), and believe me, sometimes blasting it through myself like I blasted S&M today isn't enough to wake up.

And so, the classes begin. Starting with DAD (Development of Distributed Applications), where we talk about programs working in multiple machines, consensus and mutual agreement on who gets to do shit first, and ending with a full afternoon of Security in Networks and Systems, where shit gets complicated. We discuss how a machine can be attacked, how a network can be attacked and damn, aren't they vulnerable. We have thousands ways of attacking a system, whether physically, or impersonating someone, or intercepting a message, changing it and then sending it to the original receiver to get what we want, and there's even much more beyond that. Behind all the firewalls and IPTables and antivirus, my head can only ache from the pain that will be learning all those things in the weeks to come.

So what's the nice part? It seems all i did was bitch about things. Well the nice part is that i actually managed to go to my colleague's home to work on a lab , and everything while holding somewhat of a conversation!
I was almost felling asleep in the Security Lab, and afterwards, on the way home, he asked me how much energy i did have, and i jokingly said "I wake up everyday always ready to go to bed". Without knowing, i made a cool phrase, and he said "Damn, that's a good phrase for Tinder bio", and then proceeded to update his tinder profile. We had some cool laughs! 😂😂

I also saw some of my old colleagues from ES (Software Engeneering), and had a blast talking with them about music, and one of them, André, showed me cool musical bands, from Mastodon to Djent to Rap, and we discussed modes, scales, composing and all that stuff. How i could raise my music's tone by minor 3rds every time and have a very cool scary effect  Very cool moment in the lunch break.

After my last class, i also met one of my ever first friends in IST (Instituto Superior Técnico), another André, this time a very tall and buffed guy, who was a professional basketball player before joining the university. A guy with an extremely positive attitude, always with a smile on, and a very enjoyable companionship. I told him that I've recently started lifting small weights, and that i finished my bachelor in Computer Science, and he's finishing his in Civil Engineering so he can master in Space Engineering. Really cool guy, and an example of how a person can change with discipline. In the first year of tecnico, because he was in the basketball team, he was unable to complete any course at all. Last semester, he passed everything without failing, at least 6 or 7 courses, and is now working fully concentrated on his studies so his dream becomes true. A true inspiration.

Lastly, as my mother's birthday is approaching, my stop in alegro to buy a gift has proven successful: i bought her a cup with some nice spanish phrase saying that she's special and stuff. And while there, i stopped at FNAC to see a very cool friend, Juu, blond girl, really nice and fun. We came back to our houses (she lives near me) and i even, i think, managed to help her with some phone stuff, and made myself useful.

By the end of the day, i did also help my Uncle with a movie he wanted to lecture tomorrow in class.

In summation, it was a cool day, not like any other recent one, since most of my days (99% really) are just going to classes, not speaking to anyone, come back home, reading reddit, playing guitar and sleep, rinse and repeat.

End of log.

~DarkRay

domingo, 1 de outubro de 2017

Hi guys. This blog won't be much interesting at all! It will be just a journal sometimes and other times a reflection of my thoughts, of an introvert guy who just daydreams a lot , loves Metallica with his life and has a boring as fuck life. See you around.

~DarkRay.